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Tuesday, October 4, 2011


How I came to love Golf.
Relevance : October 4th, 1895, the first US Open Golf Tournament was held on a nine hole course at the Newport Country Club in Rhode Island.  The winner was Horace Rawlins, a 21 year old Englishman who received $150, and a $50 gold medal, his Club received the Open Championship Cup Trophy.
History tidbit:  The first record of golf being played in America is the arrival of a shipment of 96 clubs and 432 balls delivered from Scotland to a David Deas in Charleston, SC in 1743.  In 1888 the first permanent golf group formed, the St. Andrews Golf Club of Yonkers, NY.
My best friend and greatest fan, the one who named my second Novel,
"No Rules Of Engagement", a Mr. Phillip Woody of Kansas City, was the best man for another friend of his.  Instead of a bachelor party the other gentlemen wanted to go play golf.
Phillip and I were at the time both the guys who would poke fun at Golfers!  I'm Scottish, the Scots invented the game and yet my opinion was Golf was not a sport.  As a matter of fact Mark Twain once commented, "Golf is a good walk spoiled."  Neither of us knew the slightest thing about the game of Golf!
So Phillip, who didn't want to look like a total Boob, asked if I would go and play a round of Golf with him before he arranged the game for the other gentlemen's bachelor party outing.  So the two of us with no prior knowledge what so ever, went golfing.  We found a local public club that would let us play, we rented clubs, golf cart and off we went.  Needless to say they gave us some complementary tees but we each had to buy a box of balls.
First.  Golf is expensive.  The primary reason I don't play all the time and my game hasn't improved in the slightest is because I am a poor man.  If I ever get rich I do plan to spend some time on a local golf course and working on my game.
Secondly.  Golf is supposed to be an individual sport where you compete against only yourself.  If anybody has ever met a Scotsman or any man you know, we do not play games against only ourselves, ever!  Everything is a competition, which is an underlying in your face thing about golf.
"Oh, that's alright we're not competing, you only compete against yourself."  Is exactly the shit the winning guy tells the losing guy to socially and politely rub it in his face about how bad he sucks at golf.
Thirdly.  You have never had an appreciation of grass and landscaping until you have played golf on a nice golf course!  OMG!  I have stepped on greens that carpet companies haven't been able to get close to as far as soft, smooth, beautiful, and its freaking grass!!!
Fourth.  Golf can be dangerous.  I lined drived a goose with a golf ball (Accidently!!), and then it headed for the water.  If the silly SOB had watched my three previous shots he wouldn't have gotten near the water!  I also hit my wife with a golf ball the one and only time she ever went golfing with me.  Yes, they really do Yell, FORE, when you think you might hit someone with a golf ball!!
Fifth.  Never ever drive a golf cart onto a driving range unless you have a death wish!  (That's a story for another time.)
Now being in tanks when I was in the U.S. Army, I was told that the closest thing to having sex with a machine was firing the main gun on a tank.  I being a young and energetic man could not imagine what they were talking about until I pulled the triggers with my face pushed against the gun sight cushions as hard as I could and sixty tons of armor jumped off the ground as the main gun lifted the front road wheels off the ground from the main gun going off!  What a RUSH!! OMG!!
So when someone explained how the most wonderful feeling in the world is driving a golf ball off a tee and watch it fly right down the center of the fairway for half to three quarters of the distance to the flag.  OMG!!  You don't believe until it happens to you.  You want to jump and scream, but then everybody else would know what an incredibly lucky shot you just had!  Unless of course you're a good golfer and you do that all time.  I can only imagine the feeling doesn't diminish that much which is part of the fun and allure of the game.
Needless to say our golf game changed our lives that nice sunny day.  We both fell in love with the game of golf.  We have been many times over the years, each of us own our own sets of clubs.  I still play with an entire box of bright pink or yellow balls, because it saves time spotting them in the rough which is generally where I am shooting from.  I suck worse at golf than I do at English and love the hell out of the game.  If I could spend my days writing, swimming, and playing golf I think I would be in heaven.


J.L. Murphey said...

Poor Tiff! I can see the goose egg you raised on her head. I can also see her now with a catcher's mask while playing golf with you...and I thought they only played with neon pink and yellow balls while playing in I know.

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