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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Stuff that Sucks – The Rebuttal

I had several different ideas of stuff I wanted to write a Blog post on instead of posting an apology to Mr. Nicholas Sparks for possibly hurting his feelings in any of my past posts about how I hate what he writes.  Then I got a blog update that I felt I needed to respond to publically!
I have stated before in previous posts that I have a problem with swearing from time to time.  If reading swear words really offends you do not click on the link below and read the Cranky Old Man Blog Post and DO NOT READ my rebuttal of said post which follows.  Just tune in tomorrow where I hopefully will behave in a much more civilized manner after having washed my mouth out with soap.  Don't worry your probably not missing much, but at least I am not apologizing to Mr. Sparks today!
http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/
My Rebuttal
Broadway plays, especially musicals – I am a real man and I can handle sitting through one of these to please my wife just as I expect her to sit through watching cars smash each other in a demolition derby.  Sometimes if you're lucky, you get to see them make mistakes and flop which you never get to see in the movies.  Plus with Television and movies you don't really see people dance and try to sing as you do during live performances.
Opera – Never actually been to one so I can't be too critical as that might be hypocritical.  Having never been to one lends credit to how much of a real man I actually am.
Ballet – Falls in with Opera, never been!
Competitive swimming – Not the same but I remember the diver who dived into the diving board below him – That was brutal!  It was like NASCAR the way they kept replaying it.  But if you want to pick on a sport WTF is that crap where they slide the fucking rock across the ice with the stick thingy and broom!  I agree with the - if nobody can get hurt it probably isn't a sport.  The rock thingy could get swapped with a land mine and use a whole team dressed in bomb suits sweeping it and blowing themselves up!
Frankly I am privately promoting the rise and introduction of Segway Jousting! 
Shakespeare – Yeah, I just don't get it, never will, as it is the same with poetry.  Those that do probably haven't ever driven a fucking TANK for a living either!
Quiche – I get promoted in the Man Club for not even knowing what this was.  I had to look it up!  Seriously!  Doesn't have to be steak but meat and potatoes for sure and if you add Gravy to it, it makes it a meal!
Figure Skating – This will turn some heads but I grew up in the Great North, Idaho!  Everybody had their own ice skating rinks as Winter is one of the two seasons they have there.  I got my first pair of used Hockey Skates at age six.  Everybody skates unless they are handicapped.  When I got my first figure skates I couldn't figure out why hockey players weren't using those because they are barbed in the front!  I didn't know what figure skating was. 
As I am older and know about the sport, if I could go back in time being heterosexual and a skater and getting to enter a sport where you get to hold and play with women in that kind of manner and skate, I can't figure out why so many guys are playing hockey instead of being figure skaters.  I sure as hell can't figure out why so many male figure skaters are not straight!
I traded my ice skates for in-line roller blades and still skate even today I just do it in the street.  FIY roller blade wheels melt in about four minutes at forty to fifty miles per hour.  When they melt and the wheels ooze up the through the trucks – YOU STOP QUICKLY!  You think I would have learned that fact the first time I melted a set of wheels.  3X means I am just freaking stupid!  But man what a RUSH!
T.V. Award shows – I like it when once and while a genuine person gets an award they are actually blown away by the fact they have won.  I love the fact of how things change with these shows like the First, One and only and last award for Disco went to Gloria Gaynor for "I will survive."  I also like the fact I can't listen to that song without thinking of the movie "The Replacements".
Dancing – I can't dance but like to believe there is enough alcohol and that’s why God invented Scotch was for the further invention of playing the Bag Pipes and men trying to dance with their women.  I make the Bag Pipe comment because if you ever heard anybody learning to play the Pipes it sounds like your strangling an animal.  The first person to come up with it had to be two Scottish men having some fun with their buddy while all three were having a wee bit to drink.  Leave it to the Scottish to turn the joke around on the jokester and turn it into a traditional beautiful sounding instrument. 
I like Cats because of their fuck you attitude in spite of the fact they need us to take care of them.  If they could take care of themselves or didn't think they owned us for pets they would take over the world.  I am not really a dog person because they are too social and needy!
Finally Mauve falls into the Quiche category and just moves me up a notch for not knowing what it was!  A color really?
Sorry, I couldn't find anything to post about, Mr. Sparks, your apology will have to wait until another day.  The first day my faculties fail me and I can't find a thing to post about I will get right on that apology for possibly hurting your feelings.

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